My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
You Might Also Like
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.