Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I’m awake but I object,
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.