optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
this came to me in a vision
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working