If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
You Might Also Like
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The booster protects against what, now?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso