Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
You Might Also Like
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
TRAIN’S HERE
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.