My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me redecorating every room in my mind