Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd