You Might Also Like
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?