I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.