If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
this makes me so uncomfortable
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Okey dokey.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.