If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
What if the weather talks about us?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters