Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Just me and my debit card against the world
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those