Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
🤣🤣
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: