Doctors texting each other.
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.