me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.