A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
choose your fighter
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
absolute chaos
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.