Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
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I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’