I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
You Might Also Like
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.