The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
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“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside