*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk