The police never think its as funny as you do.
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ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!