Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
You Might Also Like
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure