If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
early stone age tool
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Me, reading some of your tweets
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.