my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
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[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
need him
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*