make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
saving face 👀
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.