People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
No. He’s not coming out to play
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY