House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.