I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
He’s cranky this morning
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!