My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.