Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where鈥檇 I put coffee?
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Every house has this drawer
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”