If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”