I’m putting together a team
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[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Bike for sale
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
(more comics:
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.