Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here