An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
You Might Also Like
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.