Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife