My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
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Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.