me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.