My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️