I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.