When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.