Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
You Might Also Like
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
called in thicc to work this morning
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS