[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Well, that didn’t work.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Note to self: I am a note
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”