a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My zodiac sign is pistachio
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.