me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.