Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
#ParentingFacts
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.