My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
You Might Also Like
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.