“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
hackers play passwordle
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!