Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
this is what they would have looked like, though
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’