Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
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“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……