“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day